Seven Surefire Tips to Avoid Flaming
Question: How many times has this happened to you? Either intentionally or unintentionally you write and send an e-mail that you later regret. Really regret. Maybe you were a little steamed when you wrote it. Perhaps you made some caustic remarks or, worse, really lit into someone.
I recently learned that there is a name for such episodes. It’s called flaming, and according to a recent story in the Times (“First, Think Later: New Clues to E-Mail Misbehavior”), such behavior is a relatively recent phenomenon.
“Flaming has a technical name, the ‘online disinhibition effect,’ which psychologists apply to the many ways people behave with less restraint in cyberspace.”
Like alcohol, the web can lower our inhibitions. Much of the time it is for the better—many people who are shy in the flesh are relaxed and outgoing when they’re online. Sometimes, though, lowered inhibitions can result in lost opportunities, clients and friends.
According to a psychologist quoted in the Times article, “several psychological factors lead to online disinhibition: the anonymity of a Web pseudonym; invisibility to others; the time lag between sending an e-mail message and getting feedback; the exaggerated sense of self from being alone; and the lack of any online authority figure.”
Here are a few good tips for avoiding flaming:
- Cool down before hitting send. Take your pulse. The higher it is, the longer you should wait before hitting send.
- Imagine yourself speaking the words directly to the person. Ask yourself: Is this something I would say offline? If you’re unsure, it’s best to shelve the message.
- If someone did something that irked you, write about that (not about their personality defects). No one can argue with how you feel. They can and will, however, argue with your remarks about their character.
- Don’t e-mail. Call or schedule a time to physically meet the person. Despite the increasing sophistication of emoticons, much of our communication is non-verbal and very subtle. Subtleties don’t always come across in cyberspace. Diplomacy is best done in the flesh.
- Re-read the e-mail. Then read it again. Then once more.
- Follow Maribeth’s tips for coping with a bad day.
- Read some headlines from The Onion or Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.
If you follow all of these steps and you’re still determined to send your fiery missive across the wire, then make sure you’re ready for the fallout.
